winter sunset
I’m not sure I’m a believer.
I would like to be one. I hang out with a lot of them.
I have friends I adore who are serious believers. Belivers in love and magic, life and beauty, goodness and change. I would like to see the world more like they see it. Less like I do.
I always feel a little tainted by whatever it is that makes me see over or around or through the magic.
Because I’m sure that it’s there. Just not for me.
I never doubt for one second other people’s magic reality.
If you believe in something I have no doubt that it is real for you. That it truly impacts you and your life in a real and concrete way.
But it never makes it through my filter. That magic. That *thing* that changes you and your world.
I pick at the edges until I unravel them. I inspect it too closely. I find the “Made in China” sticker on the bottom.
I’m not looking for perfection. But I need something that feels real. And very little does.
So here I am. Un-magical.
***
Every year almost everyone I know chooses a ‘word’. It’s the thing to do. I did it last year. I thought a lot about it. I was sort of interested/excited to try it because…well bringing good things into your life is always a step in the right direction.
Ritual.
That was the word. Something I need/ed. Want/ed. Could use. Would like to explore.
It got me exactly nowhere. I am no closer to having any useful or good rituals that I was at the beginning. Maybe because I didn’t ‘do’ it right? I didn’t choose the right word? Maybe because I didn’t make enough effort? Maybe because the magic doesn’t work for me.
At the beginning of this year I though. That is IT. I’m over this. It’s just stupid for me.
But now I’m thinking about words again. I’m not sure I’m going to pick one. Declare it. Worry about it. But I’m thinking about words and things I would like for this year.
Make.
Do.
Move.
Be.
Yes.
No.
But there is some theme in this that I have been thinking a lot about.
Integrity.
Every time I get in trouble with myself, with others, it’s because I’m not doing what I know that I need to be doing. I’m not paying attention to my own integrity.
I'm fast coming to believe that integrity is the only charater trait worth a dime.
I’m going to think more about this, but here is what it means to me right now:
Making choices with no outside influence.
Doing what I know is best for me – whether it’s taking a nap OR doing the laundry even though I really don’t want to because it will make the rest of the day more bearable.
Actually making things. Not just making plans.
Saying “yes” to things I know are the right thing, even when I want to hide.
Saying “no” when my instinct is to say yes, but I know I don’t have the energy to follow through.
I may be over this in a month. I’m not putting a starting line or finish on this. It’s pressure I don’t need. And I’m not a good sticker-at-stuff person so it’s silly to predefine when I will start or stop this exploration.
But I’m hoping that somewhere in this process if I listen a little more closely, I might find a little pocket of magic hiding somewhere that I can reach...that is real for me….you never know.
I’m (ever) hopeful.
That is, I suppose the saving grace of the un-magical.
