I feel as if I'm waking up after a very, very long in hibernation.
I feel like I lost a year or two. It started when around the same time I found out I was pregnant. Or maybe before. But from that point on things were murky. Falling apart. I was sick. And exhausted. Life was muddled and sore and anxious and hazy.
too late to bed
too late to wake up
sitting amidst clutter that tied up my brain.
I made nothing.
This is hardly the stuff broken lives are made of. This is - as I am so often reminded - what life with kids is like. But it felt very out of control and was deeply exhausting.
And then she arrived...my magic baby. My girl who is so soft and warm and squashy. Who wiggles and smiles and drools. But even a magic baby can't temper chaos. She just makes the chaos more bearable.
So, I've been working. Hard. To pull all the little strings and threads of our family life and my own self together and untangle them all and pick the bits of fluff off. Keeping a family together requires tending on so many levels as well as constant re-thinking and do-overs and new plans.
I found myself at her house. These visits are not regular but they are always serendipitous. They are always different and always exactly what I need. It is the most balanced friendship I have ever had. It feels effortless and yet I receive so much that a few hours feeds me for weeks and weeks afterwards.
She pulled cards. There was a contrary bat. Seriousness is required. Even for me who looks at magic sideways.
And so I received my prescription. For magic food and mantras.
For nourishment of heart and body.
I'm taking it seriously. I am waking early. I am stirring and chopping. I am mindful and thoughtful for at least a few minutes out of every day. I am finding stillness. I am making space.
And just like that the magic takes hold and I am finding by doing one thing, another follows.
The little rituals are like breadcrumbs through the forest. So that when you lose your way, you discover that you are not lost and you can find your way back.
I still spend most of my days with someone yelling charming things like "CAN YOU COME WIPE ME!" or rescuing a baby from under her brother's feet or wandering around Target in a haze and buying 32 things I don't need and forgetting the 3 things I went for.
But I have breadcrumbs. And every morning feels fresh. And I am learning just how powerful stillness can be.