Life Stills

Finding My Way

I feel as if I'm waking up after a very, very long in hibernation.

I feel like I lost a year or two. It started when around the same time I found out I was pregnant. Or maybe before. But from that point on things were murky. Falling apart. I was sick. And exhausted. Life was muddled and sore and anxious and hazy.

broken routines
too late to bed
too late to wake up
using food
sitting amidst clutter that tied up my brain.
I made nothing.

This is hardly the stuff broken lives are made of. This is - as I am so often reminded - what life with kids is like. But it felt very out of control and was deeply exhausting.

And then she arrived...my magic baby. My girl who is so soft and warm and squashy. Who wiggles and smiles and drools. But even a magic baby can't temper chaos. She just makes the chaos more bearable.

So, I've been working. Hard. To pull all the little strings and threads of our family life and my own self together and untangle them all and pick the bits of fluff off. Keeping a family together requires tending on so many levels as well as constant re-thinking and do-overs and new plans.

***

I found myself at her house. These visits are not regular but they are always serendipitous. They are always different and always exactly what I need. It is the most balanced friendship I have ever had. It feels effortless and yet I receive so much that a few hours feeds me for weeks and weeks afterwards.

She pulled cards. There was a contrary bat. Seriousness is required. Even for me who looks at magic sideways.

And so I received my prescription. For magic food and mantras.

For nourishment of heart and body.

I'm taking it seriously. I am waking early. I am stirring and chopping. I am mindful and thoughtful for at least a few minutes out of every day. I am finding stillness. I am making space.

And just like that the magic takes hold and I am finding by doing one thing, another follows.

The little rituals are like breadcrumbs through the forest. So that when you lose your way, you discover that you are not lost and you can find your way back.

I still spend most of my days with someone yelling charming things like "CAN YOU COME WIPE ME!" or rescuing a baby from under her brother's feet or wandering around Target in a haze and buying 32 things I don't need and forgetting the 3 things I went for.

But I have breadcrumbs. And every morning feels fresh. And I am learning just how powerful stillness can be.

 

 

Winter Ocean

On the edge of the winter Atlantic. Bitter wind cutting into your eyes. But you can feel your heart and mind spread outwards, further and further as it tries to lean into the edges of the horizon. The emptiness makes the tensions drop and droop and trickle away.

***

The everyday is hectic and rushed. Full of "I need...." and "no!" and "would you like this one?" and "stop it!!!" and "I love you" and "please be nice to your brother" and "go to timeout!" and "would you please...." and *giggle* and all those other sounds of family.

My body is play dough. I am pushed and squished. Poked, pinched and dragged. Pulled and twisted.

My brain is a web of lists that sound like this:

todo
don't want to do
should do
must do
remember to do
did I do
when will I be able to do....?
I really should be doing
I want to...

***

Yes. I know. I know. I know I don't HAVE to clean the house. I know I don't have to be perfect. But see here is the thing. This is real life. If I don't fold the laundry, then I can't find clean clothes before school and then everyone gets stressed and then I possibly yell and we will almost definitely be late.

So I those lists keep running.

But it's the silent minutes staring off at the ocean before someone pulls me back to the middle of everything that save me. 

What I Want to Say

I am more open. I don't know how it happened. It wasn't overnight. It took some work...but the work happened under the surface. And somehow the pregnancy and birth of this newest baby in our family contributed something huge. I'm still grappling with what and how and why and I have so little understanding and fewer words.

***

Everything is a little brighter than it was a few years ago. Calmer. Balanced.

Maybe I'm just growing up. Maybe.

I have connections that I didn't have before. They calm and balance me. They add love. They add warmth. I am so deeply grateful for each and every one.

***

Family is everything right now. My day. My focus. My happiness. My undoing. My frustration. My exhaustion. My heart. The string that trusses everything together. Sometimes a little too tight. The security of love.

Each boy and this baby girl who is magical.

***

And then there is real. Crap on the floor. Baby asleep in the chair over there because I haven't taken her to bed and she seems happy. No proper dinner. Too much TV. New winter boots. I trashed the budget this month. And oh dear lord. I ate so BADLY today it's just not funny.

Ah, food. While I love and am open and try not to judge, and while I admire people who treat their bodies as temples, and all that good stuff,  I will never be vegan. Or gluten free - no matter how good it is for you. I'm just not a good enough person. And because DAMMIT I LOVE YOGHURT. AND CREAM. And the idea of not baking just slays me.

***

The tv is on. I'm abandoing the computer. I want some wine and a baby snuggle and my bed.

Starting Over

Because I want to be able to record without thinking too hard about who is reading. Because sometimes a fresh space is what is needed.

I loved some of the things I wrote here on An Open Window, but I sometimes think I was trying to be a "blogger". I'm over that idea...if I ever thought I was one. I want this as a true log. A diary. For me to be able to write the things that build up in my head. To remember things and moments and ideas. Hell....grocery lists if I feel like.

Life Stills.

Because that is what any recorded moments are.

And if you are reading, I'm glad you are here.